Posts Tagged ‘mortality’

My mortality is tugging on my shirttail and demanding all of my attention. It’s an obnoxious little cuss and I’m not really sure what prompted her arrival. My health is same as it has been for quite some time, so that isn’t it. There have been a plethora of celebrity deaths recently, but so what? I didn’t know any of those people personally, most were at least 10 years older than I am and there is always some celebrity whose number is up, so I doubt that had anything to do with it. Yes, I’ve lost friends and family over the years (some fairly recently), but why is this manifesting now? In other words, what is going on within me that is causing me to feel this way?

I guess they “why” is irrelevant, because the issue that wants the most attention isn’t “why” or even “when”, but “are you ready?”

And I don’t mean that in the usual, “is your soul ready”, way. I mean is all your stuff together so that the animals will be cared for, etc. It’s the physical, earthly, here and now issues that seem to be really bugging me.

I suppose there is an aspect of this that speaks to how I’ve spent my time here as well. Did I make a positive difference in some way? Is there something I’ve been meaning to do but simply have put off for a ‘better” time? Do the people I love know that I love them?

But it is all of the little tasks that have presented themselves to me regarding this state of mind that are bothering me: get house keys for the two closest relatives in case we both are injured while away from home; make sure said relatives have each others contact info, along with that of our landlady; get living wills written and signed; decide who gets the stuff that is worth anything (there isn’t a whole lot of that) and who is willing and able to take on the animals; etc., etc. etc.

This has actually created little mini panic attacks in me recently, and I don’t get panic attacks often. It is a logistical nightmare for me and it doesn’t need to be, but for some reason some part of me is making it so. I’ve printed off the retirees “casualty assistance” checklist provided by the Air Force. I’ve downloaded but not yet printed the “Your Life, Your Choices” booklet provided by the VA. This is the booklet that the yahoos with bigger mouths than brains have decried as steering retirees toward suicide. What a crock of moldy horse hooey. This is actually an excellent booklet with descriptions of what happens to the body at various stages of deterioration and what various terms mean. This way you can decide now what you want to be done later. Thank goddess I live in Oregon where I still have those choices.

I guess that what is happening is something I’ve laughed at in the past when it happened to other people: I’ve come to the point in my life where the idea of planning for the inevitable feels like I’m wanting it to happen (or expect it to happen) soon.

My intellect knows that I am simply preparing things for the time when I won’t be able to make those decisions, but my guts feel a little less sanguine about the whole thing. The funny thing is that it is the current lack of planning that actually creates panic in me, yet when I start to work on the checklist I don’t feel any better.

I’m sure meditation would help, but I think this is one time when I just have to power through and see what comes up during the process. See you on the other side!


Read Full Post »